Helping Clients to Stop Fighting in Relationships

by Celeste Hackett, BCH, CPHI, OB

You’d probably be thought of as a miracle worker if, in the first session of 5-PATH, you could do something to help married people stop arguing. Well, get ready to collect your star in heaven and wear your saintly halo, because that is the subject of this very short article.

I’ll just call it “fighting” when one person says something that hurts the other, and then the other says something back to either defend themselves or to retaliate. After a while, in the “fight”, the words increase in sharpness to eventually hit a climax, which then abruptly stops the arguing with people “leaving” and/or “giving the silent treatment “. That is, of course, if there is no need for police or medical personnel to intervene. Sometimes, the arguing gradually fades away, and then starts up at another time. These are the most common patterns.

In the “gradually fading away” scenario couples can go on “picking” at each other with lower level fighting almost all the time. Most will, eventually, have a big “blow out” at some point and then in a matter of time, the constant “picking” will start again to fuel a daily hell for each other, and for, more sadly, any little children placed in their care.

Obviously, marital brawls like these take a whole lot of pleasure out of daily living. In fact, this kind of familial existence can even cause outright health problems, very bad habits like drinking too much, sleep problems, and also they model to children that relationships are unhappy and unsafe places to coexist. This model of how family life “is” can start up a whole new pattern in a whole new family as kids grow up. Since families are the fabric of societies everywhere, the outlook for the world can seem quite dismal as you contemplate the problem.

I often tell my clients that fighting with the one you love is like playing catch with a baseball. One person throws the ball and then, the other person throws it back. At first the game may start out friendly, but then, as the game goes on, the ball is thrown faster and harder. After a while somebody gets hurt. When playing this game it is very interesting how clients don’t see the signs that the balls are being thrown faster and harder before it is too late.

So, the question arises. What if they were aware, sooner, of a slightly faster, harder ball? Could they then do something to stop the game from reaching a point that hurts? And if they did that often enough is it possible to develop a new habit of relating? If they became aware sooner perhaps, they could step aside and let the ball go by, or maybe they could catch it and gently place it on the ground. Maybe they could even speak up. They could say something very gently like, “Hey, I know we have gotten ourselves into a pattern here that isn’t making us feel good. Neither of us really wants to continue in this way. I know I am unwilling to ________________ (be talked to this way, fight, be unhappy or whatever). It’s not your fault. We have both just gotten into a bad habit. But listen, I am going to leave for now, but I’ll be back and we’ll try again later.”

So, I teach my clients to say that and to do that, to leave. I tell them that there are a lot of ways to leave. They can leave for a minute, by getting on the computer or going into the bathroom. They can leave for an hour by listening to music, working in the yard or the garage, or going for a walk. They can leave the house and go to the bookstore or get a cup of coffee. They can go to the movies too, or, if necessary, they can leave for overnight or for a week or more. There are many ways to leave.

I make sure my clients always say, “It’s not your fault.” Or “It’s not all your fault” Because blaming someone else never works if you want to learn to stop fighting. Saying, “it’s not your fault” or “It’s not your fault alone” is also just a very kind thing to say, and if you want to have a happy relationship, little kindnesses, sprinkled here and there, need to begin somewhere.

I also make sure they say, “I’ll be back later and we’ll try again then” because most people have, at least a little bit of abandonment in their past, and depending on the level of it, they can get very scared if you just say “I’m leaving”, especially if your tone of voice is haughty. And if they get very scared they may say or do something reckless. They could even become violent. Fear of abandonment can be just that terrifying and cause some people to do things they’d never otherwise do.

I teach my clients about the game of baseball too. In fact, I may use that metaphor for part of the direct suggestion and just lately, very recently, I got another idea. It is so recent that I don’t even know if it will work, but I think it will, I like it a lot and I want to share it with you. Cal Banyan has a hair pulling script in his script book. Recently, I changed the words to “stop fighting” from the words, “stop pulling your hair”. A few other words had to be changed also. It went something like this:

“So, from now on when you or your partner’s voice changes to a pitch that indicates a fight is coming, you will notice it right away. You will be very aware of tone of voice, mannerisms, feelings, and of facial expressions as well. You will be aware of what is happening. And when you are aware that the conversation is moving in the wrong direction – toward a fight- you will stop your part in it. You will say something like, “We don’t really want to fight. It’s not your fault, but we have to break this habit we have gotten into. I am going to leave for a few minutes. I’ll be back later and we’ll try again then.” And then you will do that. And each time you do that, lovingly, gently, you will feel good. You will feel successful and you will reinforce the behavior of refusing to fight and of being in control. You are taking back control. You are modeling good behavior to others. You are a loving person and you want more enjoyment for yourself and your partner. You are choosing more pleasant moments more often because you want to be happy. Your love and your strength is growing. You want to be kind, you want to love and be loved and you want to enjoy your life.“

I hope you liked these little ideas and that you find them helpful. Of course, all of the phases of 5-PATH® will be important for clients as they learn to choose happiness in relationships. The journey of learning to love, having compassion and enjoying life is the ultimate journey there is, and we have the most and best opportunities when we face the challenges that our closest relationships bring us. Eckhart Tolle, in his book, The Power of Now, speaks of relationships as a spiritual practice. A spiritual practice is a journey in itself, so I must say; I couldn’t agree more with him. So, it is possible that when you help someone to overcome discord in relationships you are helping them in ways they, and you, may not even fully understand. Good blessings in your sessions now, and may your hypnosis practice grow to richly fulfill you and all of the ones who are led to you for your wisdom and your care.